The Small Stuff

We live in a time where offence is easily taken, don’t we? If we’re honest, we’re all too easily offended ourselves. Trying not to take offence is like trying not to think of elephants, so I read. As soon as someone says ‘Don’t think about elephants‘ what do we do? Think about elephants. I would guess that you just did. The same is true for trying not to be offended millions of times each day: try not to let it happen and what happens? Offended.

Often it’s the small stuff, too.

A slow reply to a message…or no reply…or a reply you weren’t expecting.

A change in someone’s behaviour that you perceive to be aimed at you.

A cancelled appointment or (to the horror of my British timekeeping) someone showing up late to meet you.

In the grand scheme of our lives, this is the small stuff. Think about the last few years of your life and there will be hundreds of small offences that you felt in the moment but cannot recall now even if you tried.

So, how do we not let the small stuff get us down, day by day?

I think the root of our offence is security. We all want to be known and loved, cared for and valued. We seek to meet that desire with the words and actions of others and, whether we know it or not, pursue those words and actions with our own behaviours. When security comes to us like that, as soon as the other person doesn‘t act in a way that gives us the positive reinforcement we crave, we’re offended and feel like we’ve done something wrong. Our peace is then gone because of our (often wrong) perception of others…whose perception of us we are trying to manipulate.

Honestly, this is something I struggle with: security. Maybe it’s because I spend large parts of my working week alone. Maybe it’s because I have roughly ninety minutes on one day a week to discharge a whole week’s prayer and study and preparation for most of the people under my care and, if the response is lukewarm or less, it can like a failure. The positive interactions I anticipate during the week, hope and pray for during the week, and desire during the week often don’t play out as I imagine, if they play out at all. That leaves me feeling hurt and, honestly, a lack of security.

I recently read this about not letting the small stuff offend us: the acronym COP.

Cover. Twice in the book of Proverbs, we are told to “cover” offenses (Proverbs 10:12; 17:9). The covering of offense is related to love. First Peter 4:8 says, “Love covers over a multitude of sins”—and that “multitude” would have to include small slights. In any relationship, there are many irksome things that should just be “covered” for the sake of love. By covering an offense, or not revealing it to others, we are empathizing with the offender and extending the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he did not mean what he said; perhaps we misunderstood. Perhaps the offender was having a bad day or wasn’t thinking straight. Covering the offense of another helps us, too. Remember the elephant? When we focus on the needs of the person who offended us, we no longer think about how offended we feel.

Overlook. “A person’s wisdom yields patience; / it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11). Forgiveness is an honorable thing. When you cover an offense, you give grace and empathy to the offender. When you overlook an offense, you choose to give something valuable to yourself—the reminder that your security is not based on others’ opinions of you but on the security you have in Christ (see Ephesians 1:5–7).

Pray. Jesus told His disciples on multiple occasions that if they prayed for anything in His name (or, according to His will) they would have what they asked for. Do you believe that God wants you to be angry with others, or forgiving of them? Do you believe that your security is in Him, rather than in yourself? If you pray consistently, asking Him to help you not take offense, He will answer that prayer. If you ask Him to remind you of His secure and steadfast love, He will answer that prayer. You can confidently pray for help in every offending situation (Hebrews 4:16).

As born-again believers we are the most secure people on the planet, even if it doesn’t feel like it sometimes. Pray for help in covering and overlooking, and for reassurance of the truth that your security comes from the surest source.

How do you deal with the small stuff? Let me know below…